Wednesday, August 25, 2010

shaanti, yo

I had my two months in the sun on twitter. Last week I deactivated my digitalheer account. It was fun, while it lasted. Met some funny tweeps, and all that. I had a little Poonjab circle going. I even made friends with someone in my city, someone to actually hang with!

But I killed @digitalheer. She's been cremated into a computron obliterized ashes.

Why?

Park51, pseudo-love life, and the antics of the world vs my de-antics. The energy on twitter is visceral. A battleground of everyone's "HUM HAI!" Some of it will be funny, some of it will just drain your inner self. In the end, social networking will eat into your head, like a worm.

I attended a hyper religious camp 3 years ago. The whole time I cried in my secret corner, because I felt so judged-- for not wearing a turban, for not wearing a salvaar kameez everywhere I went, for not going on religious tirades filled with shame on why I am not more of a Sikh. There was lots of negativity within me, as I felt everything around me go cave-man. I could not understand why the girls would not talk to me. I am the most non-scandalous girl around. But I did not look the part, in their eyes. And their reason for sticking to themselves: to contain one's energy. To not get distracted.

I could not fathom that I could possibly be the shaitaan that would set their souls alight.

I took it all to heart.

And then I thought about it, once I had returned home, firmly resolved never to attend another Sikh camp again. I went through my cycle of Sikh-hating.

And I thought about the judgment. Did it make them stronger? No, in the end I felt they were insular and conceited in their judgment. But it did bring them an astounding shaanti-- a peace. They controlled what entered their inner circle. What information, what energy. And in this way they were able to maintain their presentation of that ephemeral state- equipoise.

And I can dig that. I am a firm believer in fact of controlling what information and energy you let into your inner circle. This is why I don't watch TV. And why I don't hang with white people. I knock out these energies so that I can preserve my inner shaanti. Right now, all is not well in my world. I need to preserve whatever inner shaanti I got.

Shaanti, yo. Peaceout @digitalheer.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Life

I will attempt again. To put it down.

While everything dishevels, all the hope especially, old friends pop into far-reaching distance, through text, email, even phone calls. Why now? I was trying to convince myself I am unloved, unworthy of the human bind called friendship, but I am wrong. The litany of negativity, softened by these gentle people.

Is this life? The strand of hope, lost, delivered again, captured fleetingly, and then remembered as nostalgia while the dumps prevail?

This is life.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

That previous post was something old I finally released onto this page. I am not having marriage stresses right now. Currently, what sucks me under the tortured ocean are my mistakes, many and long, repeated, repeated.

I have thrown out everyone from the doors into me. Barricade. Sometimes I want a flood to break through, invade the spaces I have reserved for myself, to ponder and worry. But really, this journey is mine. I cannot share it. I cannot expect anyone else to fly with me. I must journey, I must journey.

Oh The Places You'll Go

I have been questioned:

1- Are you a lesbian?

2- Do you not want to get married?

I have been told

1- You are not that special.

2- You are not that young. You are not a girl.

3- So-and-so is married. And so-and-so is also married. And so-and-so is also married. And so-and-so is married too. And so-and-so is having a baby.



Thank-you-come-again!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Unhinging

I need to write again. Write again. Be somewhere on the page. Somewhere on the planet aside from inside my head.

I have been fleeing from all aspects of my life this past week. To protect myself. To hide everything unnecessary from my survival as I would like to see it, so that I do not get distracted. These include old friends, family, a possible love interest. It is the only way I know how to survive through these times when I have no control over my next breath. To isolate myself, unhinge myself from the web of humans who I am not sure really ever cared anyways.

Monday, August 31, 2009

darkness

the darkness almost overtook me last week. something about everyone else's lives in comparison to mine. the typical blogger angst, person with access to everything who thinks of only the nothingness.

today i shed the darkness. i smiled a bit more. my cheekbones emerged, confusing everyone, was i native american or indian indian or just some brown girl down the block.

and of course i am none of these. but these are the shadows of the darkness, obscuring whatever shape i am inside.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

memories

june 84

what is the ache
undisturbed
quieted
asleep

be like the dandelion
aged with the passage of life
blowing the seed to fill the field of grass
with her story
so that her broken heart
will never be lost